I retired at a fairly early age--actually, I was laid off from a position I had held for 25 years at a major midwest university. It was a difficult transition, mainly because I was laid off two years before I was eligible for retirement. That meant that I had to scramble for work (which friends managed to help me with) to survive for two years until I was officially able to retire at 55.
So now I'm retired and really wasn't quite mentally set up to know what I was going to do with all my free time. My friends were having a run of bad luck with their living arrangements so my interest became helping them. Basically, I had friends that got used to being able to call on me, day or night, whenever they needed anything--and most of the time the things they needed were things with which I didn't really need to get involved.
When you make other people your reason for existing, you basically lose your reason for existing. I found myself obsessing about the boundaries that I needed to put in place with my friends. It made me realize that the reason I was obsessing about it was because I had no other interests. I had lost my way in figuring out what I wanted to do as a retiree.
There are several things someone can do who is thinking about retiring (or is retired):
1. Take a class that might interest you at a community college or local university.
2. Study a foreign language, either online or pick up software.
3. Visit relatives with whom you've lost touch.
4. Spend time with friends having dinner, going to a movie, or some other activity that everyone agrees on.
5. Exercise! Go for a daily walk (great way to meet neighbors), go to the gym, get an exercise ball or stretchy bands to do some simple exercises and help speed up your metabolism and keep yourself in shape.
6. Venture out on your own to go to dinner, a movie, or take a vigorous walk--some people have issues with doing things on their own, but these can be stress relievers and may open you up to meet other people and further your social group.
7. Start a blog page that showcases your interests (sewing, reading, scuba diving, gardening, or writing in general).
I'm not saying it's not a good thing to help people when you can, but it shouldn't be your only reason for existing, and it's an easy role to slip into and an even tougher one to slip out of.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Sunday, June 15, 2014
My Dad--Father's Day 2014
It's Father's Day and thought it fitting that I spend part of my day remembering the wonderful man that was/is my father. Dad passed away April 10, 1993.
My Dad's whole life was dedicated to his family. He gave up dreams to support and nurture us while we were growing up. I think most of us kids in the family took that for granted--I know I did. It took me years to realize how lucky I was to have a Father who cared for us. It wasn't until I looked around at some of the people that I've met and hear stories of their childhood to realize that my Father and Mother were probably the closest to being perfect parents.
I will have to say that Dad wasn't always the most affectionate man in the world. He was raised in a time that the man of the family put food on the table and made sure that his family was provided for, with not many outward displays of affection. I'm not saying that there weren't the occasional moments when he laughed with us, played baseball with us, made jokes and, yes, even hugged us. But for the longest time, I think he equated caring and providing for his family as affection.
To be honest, there were times when Dad seemed to me to be distant and detached after he retired. He would sit in his chair and read, watch tv, and kind of observe what everyone was doing. It turned out that the fault wasn't entirely his for the detachment. Mom took each of us aside and told us that we needed to sit with Dad and talk to him. She said it didn't matter what we talked about, she said he needed to feel a bigger part of his kids' lives as he grew older. She also told us to start hugging him when we arrived and hugging him when we left. She knew it was going to be uncomfortable on both sides, but she thought it was something that needed to be done.
So, I followed Mom's instructions. The day of her talk, after sitting with Dad for awhile watching television and making small talk, I said goodbye to both of them, hugged Mom and then leaned over to hug Dad in his chair. I could feel him tense up when I hugged him and, I will have to admit, I felt very awkward and a little tense myself. After awhile, it became less and less awkward. I remember a year or so before he died that I went to say goodbye to him and I put my arms around him and he put his arms around me and instead of the quick hug, he held me in his arms and said, "I love you, son."
I regret not reaching that point in our lives sooner so that we could've had that connection. I thank God that I had a few years to tell my Dad in words that I loved him and to hear him say it back with conviction and to be held by him.
Just wanted to say Happy Father's Day to my wonderful, loving Dad. I love you, Dad and miss you every day. Sending a warm hug your way.
My Dad's whole life was dedicated to his family. He gave up dreams to support and nurture us while we were growing up. I think most of us kids in the family took that for granted--I know I did. It took me years to realize how lucky I was to have a Father who cared for us. It wasn't until I looked around at some of the people that I've met and hear stories of their childhood to realize that my Father and Mother were probably the closest to being perfect parents.
I will have to say that Dad wasn't always the most affectionate man in the world. He was raised in a time that the man of the family put food on the table and made sure that his family was provided for, with not many outward displays of affection. I'm not saying that there weren't the occasional moments when he laughed with us, played baseball with us, made jokes and, yes, even hugged us. But for the longest time, I think he equated caring and providing for his family as affection.
To be honest, there were times when Dad seemed to me to be distant and detached after he retired. He would sit in his chair and read, watch tv, and kind of observe what everyone was doing. It turned out that the fault wasn't entirely his for the detachment. Mom took each of us aside and told us that we needed to sit with Dad and talk to him. She said it didn't matter what we talked about, she said he needed to feel a bigger part of his kids' lives as he grew older. She also told us to start hugging him when we arrived and hugging him when we left. She knew it was going to be uncomfortable on both sides, but she thought it was something that needed to be done.
So, I followed Mom's instructions. The day of her talk, after sitting with Dad for awhile watching television and making small talk, I said goodbye to both of them, hugged Mom and then leaned over to hug Dad in his chair. I could feel him tense up when I hugged him and, I will have to admit, I felt very awkward and a little tense myself. After awhile, it became less and less awkward. I remember a year or so before he died that I went to say goodbye to him and I put my arms around him and he put his arms around me and instead of the quick hug, he held me in his arms and said, "I love you, son."
I regret not reaching that point in our lives sooner so that we could've had that connection. I thank God that I had a few years to tell my Dad in words that I loved him and to hear him say it back with conviction and to be held by him.
Just wanted to say Happy Father's Day to my wonderful, loving Dad. I love you, Dad and miss you every day. Sending a warm hug your way.
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