I sometimes wonder what I'm doing wrong when I make friends. My friends seem genuine, engaged, fun, caring, intense, quirky, frustrating, endearing, and open.
I hate to sound sexist, but I always seem to lose my female friends. I've had three women that I have gotten close to--or so I thought. One was a neighbor who lived across the street from my house. We will call her Doris. Doris bared her soul to me, sharing her darkest secrets. We had traditional rituals that we enjoyed. One was meeting on Christmas Eve for a glass of wine and appetizers before I headed off to my family's Christmas. We did this for several years. She cried on my shoulder about various tragedies and concerns in her life. I sympathized and offered advice when asked. Then a new neighbor moved in next to her.
The new neighbor (I will call her Melody) and Doris hated each other. It wasn't a silent, seething, below the surface kind of hate. It was a deep-seated, visceral, angry, screeching at each other, kind of hate that the both of them seemed unable to resolve.
I started walking my dog with Melody, since she had a dog and we were out at the same time walking most evenings. Melody was pleasant enough, but she was someone that loved gossip and would spread it as soon as she heard it--usually without verifying the accuracy. I was regaled with stories of incestuous relationships of some of my neighbors, of child abuse, of domestic fights and violence--real or imagined. I eventually figured that this is pretty much how Melody tried to make herself liked and any information she gave out was to be suspect. I never repeated her gossip.
I considered Doris and Melody to be my friends.Guess not. One evening, Melody and I were walking our dogs together. She proceeded to tell me about the property boundary dispute she was in with Doris. She asked me what I thought of someone who would do and say some of the things Melody claimed that Doris had said to her. I decided to keep out of it since I thought of both of them as friends. During one of our walks, after Melody launched into another tirade about Doris, I told Melody that I really didn't want to take sides. I remember the look she got on her face when I told her that. It was night time and her face was lit with unnatural light from the street light. She almost looked like she became possessed. She bared her teeth at me and screamed at me, "So just take her side! I'm through with you!" She stomped away, dragging her dog behind her. I was shocked at the level of hate and anger she had toward Doris (and now me).
So that was the end of my relationship with Melody. Then Doris, a few weeks later, saw me talking to Melody's husband. I had run into him while walking the dog and we generally just made small talk. Never had much to do with him.
Well, evidently Doris had witnessed us talking, and I got home later that evening to find a message on my answering machine telling me she could not be friends with someone who would betray her by talking to her enemy. We never spoke again.
Then there was the woman, who I will call Katie, who was my across the street neighbor. We talked often and became, at least in my mind, quite close (friend close, not lover close--I'm Gay and she knew that). I helped her through various crises in her life, had her over for dinner, counseled her in her relationships, shared intimate details of my life, cried on each others shoulders, and generally enjoyed each others company.
I mean, I took Katie to doctors' appointments, stayed with her in the emergency room a couple of times, drove her various places, had dinner in and out with her numerous times over the last few years, and took long walks in the local park with her. I enjoyed spending time with her and, I thought, the feeling was mutual.
Then I called her about a month ago and asked her if she wanted to do something that evening. She said weekends were better for her to get together. I told her I would contact her on the weekend then. I texted her the following Saturday morning about her plans for the day. She never responded back. Texted her again. Never responded back. Waited two weeks and texted. Never responded back. Finally, I got worried that maybe she was sick or something, so I contacted her daughter. Her daughter didn't respond until the following day. She said her Mom was currently isolating and would probably be doing so for the next several weeks. Hmmm. What the heck is isolating? Did she have some infectious disease? Anyway, I figured I would wait for her to contact me again. Never happened.
So, after her lecturing me about not contacting her often enough, she decides I'm not worth talking to or even worthy of an explanation for the sudden disconnect. This woman made it sound like we were soul mates (again, platonic). Forever buddies. Endless friends. She ended some of her evenings with me by saying she loved me. She knew I was Gay, so I figured it was a platonic love. I never use the "L" word unless I mean it. I told her that I love her, too (I assumed she figured as a friend). So this person, who professed that we were close friends and she loved me, couldn't be bothered to tell me why she dropped me as her friend. If her thinking was, "If he doesn't know what he did wrong, I'm certainly not going to tell him." Don't understand that thinking.
Now, I have several male friends and we have had our ups and downs in our friendships. We shared many personal details of our lives with each other. I have NEVER had one just up and tell me we couldn't be friends anymore or just stop talking to me entirely.
Is it that women, as far as male friends are concerned, are unable to provide unconditional friendship? Unconditional friendship has always been my philosophy with friends. They can do many things to tick me off. Usually we talk it out or come to an understanding. I mean, if one of them did something like telling me they couldn't be friends with me anymore, that they didn't like who my other friends are, or attached conditions to the friendship, I consider that grounds for ending a friendship.
I treasure my friends. It is tough to find people that you can relate to and that you feel totally comfortable with. I've discovered over the years who my true friends are and who are people that just used me until they no longer had use for me.
I won't say that all of my friendships with females have been bad. I have two female friends that have been friends for over 25 years.
It makes me sad that Doris, Melody, and Katie chose to attach conditions to their friendships. It's not something I do and something I don't look for in a friend. I guess the bad friends eventually weed themselves out of your life. It hurts when you invest your time and emotion in the friendship and find that you evidently were the only one vested in the relationship.
I won't give up on making new friends. Maybe not having not-so-good friends is God's way of making you appreciate the true friends that you do have.
